In the middle of the night
By Dixie | May 17, 2008
So this is a big weekend. We’ve got housework and fun with the kids on our agenda. And what plagues me in the middle of the night? A horrible sore throat that seems to hurt down to the pit of my stomach accompanied with some serious light-headedness (thankfully not as bad as a week ago Thursday night where I laid in bed for 2 hours feeling like I was going to pass out). But I got to stay in bed later than the others (though I was still up before 9am) and take my time getting up and I’m feeling a little better. I sure hope the energy increases so we can get some stuff accomplished today. I know resting can be an accomplishment too, but that was on the agenda for after the yardwork. Rats.
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Such a big chicken.
By Dixie | May 16, 2008
Marc and I were working in the backyard after the kids were in bed tonight. I’m trying to figure out how and where to plant a vegetable garden. If the amount of stuff I raked out of the flowerbed is any indication, I’m pretty sure the previous owner of this house had not touched a good portion of the garden in a few years! So this looks to be a big job.
Tonight I tackled the big bed in hopes of getting it rototilled this weekend (please! does anyone know anyone who has a rototiller that we could borrow for an hour?!). Halfway through the job I discovered a frog in the flower bed. I tried poking it with the wire rake to get it to move along, but it wouldn’t, and I didn’t really want to spear it. So Marc came and moved it with a shovel. He brought the shovel towards me as he turned around and I freaked out.
I know if it were Madeline screaming about the frog (like she was today about the bee she saw outside) I would be telling her to calm down and that she has nothing to worry about. But those rules don’t apply to parents do they? Or maybe it’s frogs. Come to think of it, though, back in the old house when I first started gardening sometimes I would scream if I discovered an earthworm.
So, I guess I’m not really a nature lover. I love the look of it. But I don’t want to get my hands in it. Unless they’re covered with gloves (and my feet are in my yellow rubber boots, which they were tonight, thankfully). Because I suppose if I were a nature lover I wouldn’t send the kids out with fly swatters and allow them to smack whatever insect they see.
Ya. So this weekend is gardening weekend. Any bets on whether I get completely sunburnt?
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Just a reminder
By Dixie | May 16, 2008
That people in China and Myanmar need our help. Here are some quick links to give through World Vision to China and Myanmar (the government is matching private donations, even). So, make bacon and eggs at home tomorrow and send your $30 of “brunch” money to people who are desperate for aid. We can all do something.
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Aging as a Way to the Light
By Dixie | May 14, 2008
I’m reading a very timely book for me by Henri Nouwen and Walter Gaffney about aging. Here’s just one of the things that has struck me, as my family begins to face the process of aging again:
When we are able to cast off our fears and come close to the many who have grown old, we see old men and women telling stories to children with eyes full of wonder and amazement. We think of old Pope John giving life to an old church, and of old Mother Teresa offering hope to the sick and dying in India. We look at the last self-portrait of Rembrandt and discover a depth that was not there before. We marvel at the last works of Michelangelo and realize they are his best. We remember the strong face of the old Schweitzer, the piercing eyes of the elderly Einstein, and the mild face of Pope Pius X. We recognize the transparency of the farmer looking over his fields in which he has worked for many years, the deep understanding smile of the woman who saw her own children die long before she did, and the concentrated expression of the face of the old poet. We hear people talking about the old country, the olden days, and old friends, as if their pains and joy had composed a melody that is growing to a silent climax. Then we know that slowly but surely, in the broken, beaten faces of the many who belabored the world for years and years, a new light has become visible — a light that cannot die because it is born out of growing old. (pp. 59-61, Aging: The Fulfillment of Life by Henri Nouwen and Walter J. Gaffney — emphasis mine.)
Topics: Life & Faith | 4 Comments »
Working tonight.
By Dixie | May 13, 2008
Marc’s out at a church council meeting tonight, so I’m working. I’m marking old files “destroyed” in the index. I just ran across several files for an estate that I did a lot of work on back when I was working summers during university. It feels like I’m saying goodbye to an old friend. Does that make me weird?
I really do wonder why I enjoy this all so much.
Topics: Random | 3 Comments »
Tonight’s Facebook status:
By Dixie | May 12, 2008
Dixie Vandersluys is neither pregnant nor depressed, but she did eat chips and dip in the bathtub tonight.
Topics: Random | 3 Comments »
Happy Mother’s Day To Me
By Dixie | May 11, 2008
First of all, go look here, to see what a difference a year makes!
And then have a look at this picture, taken about 15 minute ago, on our way home from lunch at my folks’.
I mean, it’s hardly a post-worthy picture. But that is what motherhood looks like for me this year: Madeline not sitting very lady-like and with a face covered with “chicken pox”-hearts which she gave herself this morning at church, Luke trying to crawl out of the picture, and me holding Olivia, and holding, and holding, because she’s so overtired– the poor girl was up from 8:30am to 2:30pm today. That’s the longest stint she’s been awake ever!
Nothing much “special” going on today. The usual early to church bit (Madeline asked last night if we could skip church so we could have a big breakfast. Which is funny because I’ve been craving a big hashbrown, eggs, and bacon breakfast all weekend. Too bad it didn’t happen.) Then we had lunch with my family. And now Olivia’s sleeping. Marc and the kids are outside fixing up the deck and playing, respectively. And I’m in my “house pants” and am going to do the thing I’ve asked to be able to do for every Mother’s Day since I’ve been a mother: have a day to clean and organize the house! I can’t wait. So I guess I better get at it!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Topics: Motherhood, Family | 4 Comments »
Weighty Confession
By Dixie | May 9, 2008
I just finished watching an hour long show about skinny celebrities and how unhealthy they are and how what they’re doing to their bodies is killing them. And then this afternoon I saw the first segment of Dr. Phil about a husband and wife, where the wife put on 55 pounds after having two kids and the husband calls her names like “lard ass” and says, “Hey, kids! There’s mommy!” when they see a pig on tv. So I’ve been thinking about weight a bit today.
Marc pointed out to me this week that every night when I get into bed I complain about how fat I am and how I hate my body, and I usually throw in some comments, while I grab the fat on my side, saying, “Just look at me! I’m revolting!” And Marc will hear none of it. He thinks I’m completely crazy and that I’m lying to myself. And he thinks I’m completely sexy and beautiful and tells me that over and over again.
So… how do I make myself believe it? Or, maybe the real question is, how do I stop the thought process of “if I just lose 10 pounds and tone up a bit I won’t hate my body anymore”? Because the truth is I’ve never been happy with my body, and I’ve generally been a slim but curvy person. I remember when I’d be going to the bathroom as a teenager I’d look down at my thighs (you know how they squish out when you sit down) and I’d be revolted by their width. And now when I go to the bathroom I think, “And how much bigger are my thighs now?!!”
I will fully admit that I’ve let myself go this year. I’ve been depressed probably half the year, and even those times when I haven’t wanted to lay in bed and bite my pillow, life has been too busy for me to be willing to take the time to exercise. How do I know I’ve let myself go? Because when Luke was a baby Marc told me one night that I looked like a Greek statue. This was a compliment. And I was horrified. Now, however, I see it as a compliment. So, in my mind, I’ve lowered my standard for myself, by accepting that compliment. It feels like I’m giving up on myself, when perhaps what I’m really doing is finally gaining some reasonable expectations.
I imagine it’s probably not about weight or flabbiness at all. It’s about accepting myself. And, with myself, I usually take an “all or nothing” approach — I’m an idiot or I’ve got it all together; I’m ugly or I’m looking pretty good. I’ve retained 5 pounds with each pregnancy, and I think I’d be happy if I could just lose 10 of those 15 pounds. Or maybe it’s not about the weight, because ‘if my thighs were not quite so squishy at the top, I’m pretty sure I’d be happy with myself”. And sometimes I figure if someone besides Marc told me that I really do look fine that I’d believe it for myself — like I want to post a picture of me (not pregnant) in a bathing suit here and if enough people say, “Shut your mouth, Dixie. You’ve got nothing to complain about”, that I’d finally be happy with my body.
But it’s always something else, isn’t it? I never just accept where I am. I never accept that when you’re nursing a baby your body holds onto some weight or fat for the baby. I never just accept that when your a kid you usually have chubby cheeks. Or that when you’re depressed and you only have the will to lay about and think about the things that plague you, maybe it’s okay to accept where you’re at and give your body-loathing a holiday.
You know what? I’m now sitting here in tears — like I’ve never known this was quite so big an issue. A lot of it’s just started after having Olivia — where I think I need to hide parts of my body, because someone might notice that my stomach hangs over my pants when I sit down, that the extra pounds have not just fallen off once she stopped nursing, like they did with the other two kids, that maybe for the first time in my life I won’t be able to eat whatever I like and not exercise in order to maintain a body I’m “happy with” — but didn’t I say I’ve never been happy with my body?
And it scares me to think what all of these years of negativity have done to me and what it will take to get rid of them. Perhaps this “all or nothing” thing is the problem. Perhaps there’s not just a “Fat and Ugly Dixie” or a “Fit and Pretty Dixie”. Maybe there’s just “Dixie” whether I’ve got a little more or a little less around the hips to love. So, there you go. Some weighty confessions.
Topics: Life | 9 Comments »
I *heart* Estate Planning
By Dixie | May 6, 2008
It’s 10:21pm and we have a bit more work to do to get ready for the guy coming to paint the main floor of our house tomorrow, but I think I’m just going to do one more file of estate planning. Just one more will, living will, and power of attorney to end off the day. Kind of like a nightcap. Let’s see if I can just keep it to one… I better stop talking because I’m probably making you all jealous.
Topics: Random | 3 Comments »
I’m so wise in my dreams.
By Dixie | May 6, 2008
Last night I dreamt I was at a small-town movie theatre. Of the few choices they had, I chose a movie with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson on a deserted island. (In my defense, it looked a lot better than that other movie of their’s on an island.) Before the movie, I was in the washroom talking to a friend of mine about sex. A young teenage girl overheard us and asked me about sex and what the big deal was. I told her (in all of my unconscious wisdom) that “sex, when it is done right, with someone you love and are open and vulnerable with, is like having someone see the dark places of your soul — the places you don’t like to think about and that you hide from people, even yourself, you know those places? — and kiss them and love them.”
Topics: Life, Dreams | 2 Comments »